he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I didn't notice because vodka
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
