You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
