i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
