My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
