My sheets look like a crime scene.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
