well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
