Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
