i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
