He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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