A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
