Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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