He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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