This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
