They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
