I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
