I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
