oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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