she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Vodka?
Forever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
