I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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