Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
