I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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