I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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