booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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