just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
