I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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