i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
