Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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