just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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