Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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