dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
