How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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