we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
