I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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