Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
