My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
