I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
