i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
