I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
