I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
