Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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