I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
