apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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