So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
