The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So squirting runs in the family.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
