we have pet lesbian snakes
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
