could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
people are starting to question the shark bite story
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
