College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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