Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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