i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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