Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
